How to Stop Adultery Before it Happens

07 Nov

How to Stop Adultery Before it Happens

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Written by: Melissa DaSilva LICSW

Getting married can be an exciting time for most people.  Unfortunately, we don’t tend to discuss some of the uncomfortable stuff in the beginning that could prevent divorce or separation in the future.  One topic that should be discussed is adultery.  In the beginning of a marriage, couples think that having this discussion doesn’t need to happen because it won’t happen to your marriage.  Your love is different or if you discuss this with your partner it sends the message that you don’t trust them or they should be suspicious of you.  Here are some discussion topics and tips on preventing adultery in your marriage. Even if you have been married for years, still make time for this conversation. 

What does adultery mean to the both of you?
Is having sex with someone that isn’t your life partner the only form of adultery to you?  Is kissing another person? Is going out on a date or holding hands with another person not your mate adultery?  Discuss what the both of you feel the limits are.  You may find that both of you have a different understanding of what adultery is. 

How do you feel about emotional adultery?
Some people feel that their marriage vows can be violated even if there wasn’t any physical contact between your partner and another.  These types of relationships can occur online or at the workplace.  Emotional adultery is committed when a partner shares intimate feelings with another person that would have typically been shared with their partner.  If conversations turn sexual in nature or sharing romantic fantasies with the other person, this can be considered emotional adultery.  A good rule of thumb to avoid the emotional adultery would be: If you make a new friend online or at work, your conversations shouldn’t feel as if they need to be hidden.  If you find that you are concerned that your partner may read your conversations or listen to voice mails, you may be crossing the line to committing emotional adultery.  

Tips:

 

1.If you make a new friend with the gender you are attracted to, this friend need to be a friend of you and your partner, not just you. 

2. Outings with this new attractive person should include your partner as well.  You shouldn’t be making dinner plans together after work if it doesn’t include your partner.  

3. You should both have the person’s cell number and be both of you should be connected on social media with this new friend.  This prevents putting yourself in a dangerous situation with your marriage.  This decreases the chance of suspicion that something inappropriate is going on between the new person and either one of the individuals in the marriage. 

4. Don’t share romantic feelings with these new friends or sexual fantasies with them.  This gives the other person the wrong idea of your friendship relationship.  These conversations should be between you and your partner.  

5. If you find that you are making friends with a person of the gender you are not typically attracted to, these rules can be a little looser. 

A successful marriage is hard work.  Sometimes it helps to discuss difficult topics such as this before they even happen.  If you and your partner have a difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics such as adultery and infidelity, finding a couples counselor could be beneficial.   

 

 

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